So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
