I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
