It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My bed smells like the plague
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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