so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
