I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
