So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
