I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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