i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
