that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
