I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
