ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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