After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
