Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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