I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
honey bunches of taint.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
