He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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