Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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