We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You ruined the universe
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
