My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
