Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
