I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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