My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
