I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
