I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
