ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
