I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
