How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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