I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
