last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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