ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
