apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
