I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My apartment stinks of burning failure
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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