walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
