he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
