Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
