my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
