dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
