I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
