I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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