Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
