you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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