i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
time to smoke my breakfast
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
