My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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