Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
