i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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