the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
