Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
