I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
