I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
