I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
