she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
