He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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