So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
