I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
