I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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